We all know what it’s like to want to be in control. Everyone knows a control freak. Maybe you are one.
In some ways, exerting control is an important survival skill. For example, we have every right to be in control of our own bodies and our own lives. Taking control in these cases is empowering and necessary.
Controlling behavior in the negative sense comes from a tendency to reach beyond our own boundaries and into the lives of others. Many people do this with the rationalization that they are helping. This can happen with parents who are still trying to force their grown children into behaving in ways that they find acceptable.
Our son left home, got married, divorced and now lives back home with us. As parents we expect him to behave in ways we find acceptable.
But trying to control a grown man almost 24 is about like a plumber trying to fix an electrical problem. It just doesn’t work because he has his own set rules of behavior and the generation gap is too great.
He’s a hard worker and we hope he saves money so he can move out on his own again and be able to get on with the life processes. He hasn’t saved a dime that we know of, unless he has some stash kept that we don’t know about.
Control. Yuk…It’s impossible.
It can also happen when people try to control their partners’ behavior. If you have control issues, you will see that in one or more areas of your life, you feel the need to interfere with what is happening rather than just allowing events to unfold.
I sent my wife out on a spending expedition. Our 18-year-old TV blew up. I knew she would find the exact TV for us. She came home with one of the most expensive TV’s on the market.
Next, we had to have a stand. She went back out again and bought the most ornate and expensive stand. “It matches our den furniture.” And, I agreed. So now we have a great looking 52-inch plasma with high definition and a stand to match the décor of our den.
But, I want in on the decorating, I told myself.
I found this unique “Gone With the Wind,” white cuckoo clock, a collector’s item online. I showed her a picture of it and she stomped off and told me that wasn’t what she had in mind. It didn’t match our furniture. The clock has a picture of Scarlett on the lawn with Tara in the background and a figurine of Rhett carrying Scarlett up the stairs at Tara.
I told her it was a collector’s item, but that was no consolation.
“It’s white and matches your curio of white angels’ caricatures,” I reminded her. “I’ve already picked out the clock,” she scorned. It was too bad because I had already purchased it.
Who’s in control here!
I guess I should have let the events unfold, but I interfered. I guess I should leave decorating to someone more knowledgeable.
But, the cuckoo clock came while she was out of town visiting our daughter, and I assembled it and placed it on the wall between our fabulous TV and ornate stand and her white angel curio in the corner. Can’t wait for her to see it when she returns. Or, maybe I should just return it, huh? I happen to like it.
Almost everyone has at least one situation or relationship in which they try to exert control. This often happens because someone’s behavior makes us uncomfortable. We may feel it makes us look bad, or it embarrasses us.
Controlling behavior generally goes hand in hand with an unwillingness to be direct about what you want, as well as an inability to let go and let people live their own lives. If you are the one that is controlling, it’s probably because you literally feel as if you are out of control and it scares you.
Try to pick one thing you could just let unfold without any control on your part. Examine how it made you feel both before and after, and examine why you wanted to control the situation.
It is hard sometimes to allow others to be who they are, especially if we feel we know what’s best for them and we see them making choices we wouldn’t make.
For instance, we had a student on our special needs school bus bring a can of hair spray with him to school. I noticed it when he pulled it from his jacket pocket. I wondered what he was doing with it; knowing he could be in trouble.
Not only did he bring the can of hair spray on the bus but a cigarette lighter to boot. We all know that the stuff hair spray is made of doesn’t mix with fire, and when he lit the cigarette lighter and I saw it, I immediately stopped the bus. After all, I am in control of what goes on inside the bus.
Needless to say, the boy got into big time trouble when he got to school as administrators began questioning him about his intentions. He was suspended. That type of control comes with the territory when we see bad choices taking place.
However, if we are to be respectful and truly loving, we have to let people go, trusting that they will find their own way in their own time and understanding that it is their life to live.
But, when a dangerous situation exists where other people can be hurt, injured or killed, that’s when you need to exert control.
There is positive control and negative control.
Just reminding yourself that the only life you have to live is your own is the first step to letting go.
John W. Cargile, Msc.D, D.D. is a licensed pastoral psychology counselor. He is a member of the National Educational Association and Alabama Educational Association. He is the author of a new novel, The Cry of the Cuckoos www.thecryofthecuckoos.com You can contact him at jwcargile@charter.net. All conversations are confidential.
Showing posts with label positive. Show all posts
Showing posts with label positive. Show all posts
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Sunday, April 26, 2009
How to have good dreams instead of nightmares
This might seem a little silly, but before I go to sleep at night, I pray for my family. That’s not the silly part! That is my first prayer. Then, I pray that as I move from light to dark in my sleep, that my dreams be good dreams.
Ever since I began asking for this affirmation about my dream state, it has always been a good dream. I am thankful God has answered my prayer.
I cannot recall the next morning what the essence of the dream was. All I know it was a good dream, full of positive energy. I haven’t had a negative dream since I began to affirm good dreams in my prayers.
If prayer is an intention that we announce to the universe in order to create a desired outcome, then our every thought is a prayer. This includes thoughts of worry as well as of hope.
All thoughts are subtle creative energy. Some thoughts are more focused or repeated more often, gathering strength. Some are written down or spoken, giving them even greater power. Every thought we have is part of a process whereby we co-create our experience and our reality with the universe.
When we use our creative energy unconsciously, we create what is commonly known as self-fulfilling prophecy. In essence, when we worry, we are repeatedly praying and lending our energy to the creation of something we don’t want.
The good news is that we can retrain our minds and thoughts to focus our energy on what we do desire to bring into our lives. Since most worry is repetitive, it will take more than one positive thought to counteract the energy we’ve created. The simplest antidote to worry is affirmations.
When we hold these positive thoughts, repeat them often, speak them and write them and refer to them throughout our day, we are using focused energy to create positive results.
We can start right away, together:
I am a creative being, using my energy to co-create a wonderful world. I know that I create my experience of life from within, and as I do so, I also create ripples of energy around me that echo into the world. My positive thoughts gather together with the thoughts and prayers of others, and together we create enough positive energy to heal not only our own lives but the world we share. I am grateful for the ability to co-create good in my life and in the world.
A lot of times we have concerned loved ones that worry about us. When this happens they are also sending out a worry prayer to the world. A loving conversation letting them know what is happening is the easiest solution. Also, ask them to send you positive affirmations rather than worry about you.
After all, worry doesn’t do them any good either. Explain to them that worry can actually be energetically harmful to you and that wishing good things for you is much more beneficial and much more fun too.
Everything in the universe is made of energy.
What differentiates one form of energy from another is the speed at which it vibrates. For example, light vibrates at a very high frequency, and something like a rock vibrates at a lower frequency but a frequency nonetheless.
Human beings also vibrate at different frequencies. Our thoughts and feelings can determine the frequency at which we vibrate, and our vibration goes out into the world and attracts to us energy moving at a similar frequency. This is one of the ways that we create our own reality, which is why we can cause a positive shift in our lives by raising our vibration.
We all know someone we think of as vibrant. Vibrant literally means -vibrating very rapidly.
The people who strike us as vibrant are vibrating at a high frequency, and they can inspire us as we work to raise our vibration. On the other hand, we all know people that are very negative or cynical. These people are vibrating at a lower frequency. They can also be an inspiration because they can show us where we don’t want to be vibrating and why.
To discover where you are in terms of vibrancy, consider where you fall on a scale between the most pessimistic person you know and the most vibrant. This is not in order to pass judgment, but rather it is important to know where you are as you begin working to raise your frequency so that you can notice and appreciate your progress.
There are many ways to raise your vibration, from working with affirmations to visualizing enlightened entities during meditation.
One of the most practical ways to raise your vibration is to consciously choose where you focus your attention. To understand how powerful this is, take five minutes to describe something you love unreservedly-a person, a movie, an experience.
When your five minutes are up, you will noticeably feel more positive and even lighter. If you want to keep raising your vibration, you might want to commit to spending five minutes every day focusing on the good in your life. As you do this, you will train yourself to be more awake and alive. Over time, you will experience a permanent shift in your vibrancy.
John W. Cargile, Msc.D, D.D. is a licensed pastoral psychology counselor. He is a member of the National Educational Association and Alabama Educational Association. He is the author of a new novel, The Cry of the Cuckoos www.thecryofthecuckoos.com You can contact him at jwcargile@charter.net. All conversations are confidential.
Ever since I began asking for this affirmation about my dream state, it has always been a good dream. I am thankful God has answered my prayer.
I cannot recall the next morning what the essence of the dream was. All I know it was a good dream, full of positive energy. I haven’t had a negative dream since I began to affirm good dreams in my prayers.
If prayer is an intention that we announce to the universe in order to create a desired outcome, then our every thought is a prayer. This includes thoughts of worry as well as of hope.
All thoughts are subtle creative energy. Some thoughts are more focused or repeated more often, gathering strength. Some are written down or spoken, giving them even greater power. Every thought we have is part of a process whereby we co-create our experience and our reality with the universe.
When we use our creative energy unconsciously, we create what is commonly known as self-fulfilling prophecy. In essence, when we worry, we are repeatedly praying and lending our energy to the creation of something we don’t want.
The good news is that we can retrain our minds and thoughts to focus our energy on what we do desire to bring into our lives. Since most worry is repetitive, it will take more than one positive thought to counteract the energy we’ve created. The simplest antidote to worry is affirmations.
When we hold these positive thoughts, repeat them often, speak them and write them and refer to them throughout our day, we are using focused energy to create positive results.
We can start right away, together:
I am a creative being, using my energy to co-create a wonderful world. I know that I create my experience of life from within, and as I do so, I also create ripples of energy around me that echo into the world. My positive thoughts gather together with the thoughts and prayers of others, and together we create enough positive energy to heal not only our own lives but the world we share. I am grateful for the ability to co-create good in my life and in the world.
A lot of times we have concerned loved ones that worry about us. When this happens they are also sending out a worry prayer to the world. A loving conversation letting them know what is happening is the easiest solution. Also, ask them to send you positive affirmations rather than worry about you.
After all, worry doesn’t do them any good either. Explain to them that worry can actually be energetically harmful to you and that wishing good things for you is much more beneficial and much more fun too.
Everything in the universe is made of energy.
What differentiates one form of energy from another is the speed at which it vibrates. For example, light vibrates at a very high frequency, and something like a rock vibrates at a lower frequency but a frequency nonetheless.
Human beings also vibrate at different frequencies. Our thoughts and feelings can determine the frequency at which we vibrate, and our vibration goes out into the world and attracts to us energy moving at a similar frequency. This is one of the ways that we create our own reality, which is why we can cause a positive shift in our lives by raising our vibration.
We all know someone we think of as vibrant. Vibrant literally means -vibrating very rapidly.
The people who strike us as vibrant are vibrating at a high frequency, and they can inspire us as we work to raise our vibration. On the other hand, we all know people that are very negative or cynical. These people are vibrating at a lower frequency. They can also be an inspiration because they can show us where we don’t want to be vibrating and why.
To discover where you are in terms of vibrancy, consider where you fall on a scale between the most pessimistic person you know and the most vibrant. This is not in order to pass judgment, but rather it is important to know where you are as you begin working to raise your frequency so that you can notice and appreciate your progress.
There are many ways to raise your vibration, from working with affirmations to visualizing enlightened entities during meditation.
One of the most practical ways to raise your vibration is to consciously choose where you focus your attention. To understand how powerful this is, take five minutes to describe something you love unreservedly-a person, a movie, an experience.
When your five minutes are up, you will noticeably feel more positive and even lighter. If you want to keep raising your vibration, you might want to commit to spending five minutes every day focusing on the good in your life. As you do this, you will train yourself to be more awake and alive. Over time, you will experience a permanent shift in your vibrancy.
John W. Cargile, Msc.D, D.D. is a licensed pastoral psychology counselor. He is a member of the National Educational Association and Alabama Educational Association. He is the author of a new novel, The Cry of the Cuckoos www.thecryofthecuckoos.com You can contact him at jwcargile@charter.net. All conversations are confidential.
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