I don’t know about you, but when I am shopping (which is rare) I usually migrate to an employee who has a smile on his/her face.
Ever done that?
Wouldn’t you rather ask the direction to a certain item you are looking for if the employee has a smile on their face?
Or, when you are at the checkout counter, wouldn’t you rather see the checkout person smiling? After all, they are about to take your hard-earned dollar.
When I walk through a store to my destination and meet other shoppers, I look to faces with a smile and those who make direct eye contact.
I often wish that people showed more direct eye contact, salute in some way as to offer their spirit back to your spirit. In Hindu lingo a person who says or signs off with the word namaste is saying, “I bow to the divine in you,” or “I respect that divinity in you that is also within me.” In yoga, a person may leave you by using the word namaste. What they are saying is, “The light within me acknowledges the light within you.”
We often feel that we don’t have the time or energy to extend ourselves to others with the small gestures that compose what we call common courtesy.
It sometimes seems that this kind of social awareness belongs to the past, to smaller towns and slower times. I guess that is why I like Mayberry USA so much.
Yet, when someone extends this kind of courtesy to us, we always feel touched. Like someone who lends a helping hand when you are struggling with decisions at the grocery store on what it was your wife sent you there for in the first place. Some people extend a helping hand if you ask them their advice. It makes an impression because many people just walk right by. If you ask them for advice about a certain product and find a grimace on their face, you know you didn’t ask the right person.
Even someone who simply makes the effort to look us in the eye, smiles, and greets us properly when entering a room stands out of the crowd. It seems these people carry with them the elegance and grace of another time, and we are always thankful for our contact with them.
Common courtesy is a small gesture that makes a big difference.
An essential component of common courtesy is awareness and common sense-looking outside yourself to see when someone needs help or acknowledgment.
As a courteous person, you are aware that you are walking into a room full of people or that your waiter has arrived to take your order. Then, awareness leads to action.
It is usually quite clear what needs to be done-open the door for the woman holding the baby, move your car up two feet so another person can park behind you, acknowledge your friend’s shy boyfriend with a smile and some conversation, apologize if you bump into someone.
A third component is to give courtesy freely, without expecting anything in return. People may not even take notice, much less return the kindness, but you can take heart in the fact that you are creating the kind of world you want to live in with your actions.
When you are out in the world, remember to be aware of others, lend your hand when one is needed, and give this help without an ulterior motive.
The face is a complex palette of emotions. A slight turning up of the lips and a crinkling of the eyes can signal pleasure, contentment, happiness, or satisfaction. But in all cases, a smile is more than it seems.
A smiling person is often judged as more attractive, pleasant to be around, sincere, honest, sociable, and inviting and is considered more confident and successful.
Smiling is not a learned action. Even those born blind will smile when experiencing a joyful moment. A carefree smile is a quick and easy way to tell the world that you are open to new experiences and eager to meet new people.
It is assumed that a bright smile stems from happiness, but research has also shown that genuine happiness can stem from a smile.
Even a smile called forth when you don't necessarily feel like smiling can trigger the release of endorphins, brightening your day.
The simple act of smiling can help relieve stress by relaxing your facial muscles and encouraging you to focus on happy memories. And a forced smile, which only involves the muscles of the mouth, can easily turn into a true smile, which lights up the entire face. A smile motivated by real happiness is likely to inspire someone nearby to smile, possibly because of the expression's origins in the primate grin. That grin, which some scientists believe evolved into the smile, signaled that the one grinning was a friend rather than an opponent.
In ancient China, Taoists taught the benefits of the inner smile because they believed it insured happiness, health, and longevity.
One smile can lessen the sting of a negative mood and bring on a better one. But don't be self-conscious about it.
Smiling is universal and looks great on everyone. A smile, directed inward, outward, or at nothing in particular brightens the world and is a gift to those who see it.
John W. Cargile, Msc.D, D.D. is a licensed pastoral psychology counselor. He is a member of the National Education Association and Alabama Education Association. He is the author of a new novel, The Cry of the Cuckoos. www.thecryofthecuckoos.com You can contact him at jwcargile@charter,net. All conversations are confidential.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
The Cry of the Cuckoos Review by Jill Hannah
I enjoyed Mr. Cargile's story "Cry of the Cuckoos." There were many threads through out the story that many people can recognize; the interrelationship of family, love, the aging process, friendship and death. Mr. Cargile has a gift with conversation that is very realistic and supports and builds to the story line. While much of the story was very realistic, there was a bit of soap opera quality about Donald meeting his natural mother, only to have her die a few days later. I have recently moved to the Tuscaloosa area and found some good parallels to the history and culture of the area in this book. I read Mr. Cargile's column in the Northort Gazette and look forward to more books from this author.
The best education is not in the halls of a university
We put a lot of value on education, especially in the United States.
I know when I graduated high school it was almost a given that I go to college. A lot of my high school classmates did not go to an advanced school of knowledge, either getting married, taking jobs or just bumming around for awhile.
We kid one another at class reunions that most of the people we graduated with were in prison, but that was not the case. Well, at least, not in one instance.
A fellow classmate burned our high school down to the ground my junior year and we were without our beloved school. We were bussed to a high school in Birmingham for a year-and-a-half while the school was rebuilt. Ours was the first graduating class in the new school auditorium.
We helped build the school back for those coming after us by going out and collecting money from people in other communities. It was a lesson for life for most of us.
I wouldn’t trade places with anyone, however, for the education received at the institutions I attended. Only later in life did I feel a need for more education. This time it was on my terms and in a field which was self-serving at the same time.
What I learned from alternative schooling was about life, God, wisdom, compassion, love, death, birth, etc. The fact that titles came with this type of learning is insignificant to me. It was the process of learning something more valuable than a university degree in journalism, business, social services or the medical field. It was more of an education in Earth Learning.
Life is the process of learning, and the wisdom we acquire throughout our lives is the reward of existence.
As we journey the winding roads that lead from birth to death, experience is our patient teacher. We exist, bound to human bodies as we are, to evolve, enrolled by the universe in Earth School, an informal and individualized academy of living, being, and changing. Life’s lessons can take many forms and present us with many challenges.
There are scores of mundane lessons that help us learn to navigate with grace, poise, and tolerance in this world. And there are those once-in-a-lifetime lessons that touch us so deeply that they change the course of our lives. The latter can be heartrending, and we may wander through life as unwilling students for a time. But the quality of our lives is based almost entirely on what we derive from our experiences.
Earth School provides us with an education of the heart and the soul, as well as the intellect. The scope of our instruction is dependent on our ability and readiness to accept the lesson laid out before us in the circumstances we face.
When we find ourselves blindsided by life, we are free to choose to close our minds or to view the inbuilt lesson in a narrow-minded way.
The notion that existence is a never-ending lesson can be dismaying at times. The courses we undertake in Earth School can be painful as well as pleasurable, and as taxing as they are eventually rewarding. However, in every situation, relationship, or encounter, a range of lessons can be unearthed.
When we choose to consciously take advantage of each of the lessons we are confronted with, we gradually discover that our previous ideas about love, compassion, resilience, grief, fear, trust, and generosity could have been half-formed.
Ultimately, when we acknowledge that growth is an integral part of life and that attending Earth School is the responsibility of every individual, the concept of "life as lesson" no longer chafes. We can openly and joyfully look for the blessing buried in the difficulties we face without feeling that we are trapped in a roller-coaster ride of forced learning. Though we cannot always know when we are experiencing a life lesson, the wisdom we accrue will bless us with the keenest hindsight.
We are all almost always in the process of learning something new, developing an underused ability or talent, or toning down an overused one. Some of us are involved in learning how to speak up for ourselves, while others are learning how to be more considerate. In the process of becoming, we are always developing and fine tuning one or the other of our many qualities, and it is a natural part of this process that things tend to get out of balance. This may be upsetting to us, or the people around us, but we can trust that it’s a normal part of the work of self-development.
For example, we may go through a phase of needing to learn how to say no, as part of learning to set boundaries and take care of ourselves. During this time, we might say no to just about everything, as a way of practicing and exploring this ability.
Like a child who learns a new word, we want to try out this new avenue of expression and empowerment as much as we can because it is new and exciting for us and we want to explore it fully. In this way, we are mastering a new skill, and eventually, as we integrate it into our overall identity, it will resume its position as one part of our balanced life.
In this process, we are overcompensating for a quality that was suppressed in our life, and the swinging of the pendulum from under-use to overuse serves to bring that quality into balance.
Understanding what’s happening is a useful tool that helps us to be patient with the process. In the end, the pendulum settles comfortably in the center, restoring balance inside and out.
John W. Cargile, Msc.D, D.D. is a licensed pastoral psychology counselor. He is a member of the National Education Association and Alabama Education Association. He is the author of a new novel, The Cry of the Cuckoos. www.thecryofthecuckoos.com You can contact him at jwcargile@charter,net. All conversations are confidential.
I know when I graduated high school it was almost a given that I go to college. A lot of my high school classmates did not go to an advanced school of knowledge, either getting married, taking jobs or just bumming around for awhile.
We kid one another at class reunions that most of the people we graduated with were in prison, but that was not the case. Well, at least, not in one instance.
A fellow classmate burned our high school down to the ground my junior year and we were without our beloved school. We were bussed to a high school in Birmingham for a year-and-a-half while the school was rebuilt. Ours was the first graduating class in the new school auditorium.
We helped build the school back for those coming after us by going out and collecting money from people in other communities. It was a lesson for life for most of us.
I wouldn’t trade places with anyone, however, for the education received at the institutions I attended. Only later in life did I feel a need for more education. This time it was on my terms and in a field which was self-serving at the same time.
What I learned from alternative schooling was about life, God, wisdom, compassion, love, death, birth, etc. The fact that titles came with this type of learning is insignificant to me. It was the process of learning something more valuable than a university degree in journalism, business, social services or the medical field. It was more of an education in Earth Learning.
Life is the process of learning, and the wisdom we acquire throughout our lives is the reward of existence.
As we journey the winding roads that lead from birth to death, experience is our patient teacher. We exist, bound to human bodies as we are, to evolve, enrolled by the universe in Earth School, an informal and individualized academy of living, being, and changing. Life’s lessons can take many forms and present us with many challenges.
There are scores of mundane lessons that help us learn to navigate with grace, poise, and tolerance in this world. And there are those once-in-a-lifetime lessons that touch us so deeply that they change the course of our lives. The latter can be heartrending, and we may wander through life as unwilling students for a time. But the quality of our lives is based almost entirely on what we derive from our experiences.
Earth School provides us with an education of the heart and the soul, as well as the intellect. The scope of our instruction is dependent on our ability and readiness to accept the lesson laid out before us in the circumstances we face.
When we find ourselves blindsided by life, we are free to choose to close our minds or to view the inbuilt lesson in a narrow-minded way.
The notion that existence is a never-ending lesson can be dismaying at times. The courses we undertake in Earth School can be painful as well as pleasurable, and as taxing as they are eventually rewarding. However, in every situation, relationship, or encounter, a range of lessons can be unearthed.
When we choose to consciously take advantage of each of the lessons we are confronted with, we gradually discover that our previous ideas about love, compassion, resilience, grief, fear, trust, and generosity could have been half-formed.
Ultimately, when we acknowledge that growth is an integral part of life and that attending Earth School is the responsibility of every individual, the concept of "life as lesson" no longer chafes. We can openly and joyfully look for the blessing buried in the difficulties we face without feeling that we are trapped in a roller-coaster ride of forced learning. Though we cannot always know when we are experiencing a life lesson, the wisdom we accrue will bless us with the keenest hindsight.
We are all almost always in the process of learning something new, developing an underused ability or talent, or toning down an overused one. Some of us are involved in learning how to speak up for ourselves, while others are learning how to be more considerate. In the process of becoming, we are always developing and fine tuning one or the other of our many qualities, and it is a natural part of this process that things tend to get out of balance. This may be upsetting to us, or the people around us, but we can trust that it’s a normal part of the work of self-development.
For example, we may go through a phase of needing to learn how to say no, as part of learning to set boundaries and take care of ourselves. During this time, we might say no to just about everything, as a way of practicing and exploring this ability.
Like a child who learns a new word, we want to try out this new avenue of expression and empowerment as much as we can because it is new and exciting for us and we want to explore it fully. In this way, we are mastering a new skill, and eventually, as we integrate it into our overall identity, it will resume its position as one part of our balanced life.
In this process, we are overcompensating for a quality that was suppressed in our life, and the swinging of the pendulum from under-use to overuse serves to bring that quality into balance.
Understanding what’s happening is a useful tool that helps us to be patient with the process. In the end, the pendulum settles comfortably in the center, restoring balance inside and out.
John W. Cargile, Msc.D, D.D. is a licensed pastoral psychology counselor. He is a member of the National Education Association and Alabama Education Association. He is the author of a new novel, The Cry of the Cuckoos. www.thecryofthecuckoos.com You can contact him at jwcargile@charter,net. All conversations are confidential.
Monday, May 18, 2009
A reader comment about The Cry of the Cuckoos
Jill D. Hannah said: May 17th, 2009 7:05 pm
I finished the book yesterday and would love to get some extra background. How much of the book and the societies are real? Obviously the places are and the more famous personalities. Your characters were very believeable and the plot was riveting. There were alot of twists and turns that kept the reader guessing all the way through. Great first novel, I'll be interested in reading more of your work.
I finished the book yesterday and would love to get some extra background. How much of the book and the societies are real? Obviously the places are and the more famous personalities. Your characters were very believeable and the plot was riveting. There were alot of twists and turns that kept the reader guessing all the way through. Great first novel, I'll be interested in reading more of your work.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
The positive and negative side of control
We all know what it’s like to want to be in control. Everyone knows a control freak. Maybe you are one.
In some ways, exerting control is an important survival skill. For example, we have every right to be in control of our own bodies and our own lives. Taking control in these cases is empowering and necessary.
Controlling behavior in the negative sense comes from a tendency to reach beyond our own boundaries and into the lives of others. Many people do this with the rationalization that they are helping. This can happen with parents who are still trying to force their grown children into behaving in ways that they find acceptable.
Our son left home, got married, divorced and now lives back home with us. As parents we expect him to behave in ways we find acceptable.
But trying to control a grown man almost 24 is about like a plumber trying to fix an electrical problem. It just doesn’t work because he has his own set rules of behavior and the generation gap is too great.
He’s a hard worker and we hope he saves money so he can move out on his own again and be able to get on with the life processes. He hasn’t saved a dime that we know of, unless he has some stash kept that we don’t know about.
Control. Yuk…It’s impossible.
It can also happen when people try to control their partners’ behavior. If you have control issues, you will see that in one or more areas of your life, you feel the need to interfere with what is happening rather than just allowing events to unfold.
I sent my wife out on a spending expedition. Our 18-year-old TV blew up. I knew she would find the exact TV for us. She came home with one of the most expensive TV’s on the market.
Next, we had to have a stand. She went back out again and bought the most ornate and expensive stand. “It matches our den furniture.” And, I agreed. So now we have a great looking 52-inch plasma with high definition and a stand to match the décor of our den.
But, I want in on the decorating, I told myself.
I found this unique “Gone With the Wind,” white cuckoo clock, a collector’s item online. I showed her a picture of it and she stomped off and told me that wasn’t what she had in mind. It didn’t match our furniture. The clock has a picture of Scarlett on the lawn with Tara in the background and a figurine of Rhett carrying Scarlett up the stairs at Tara.
I told her it was a collector’s item, but that was no consolation.
“It’s white and matches your curio of white angels’ caricatures,” I reminded her. “I’ve already picked out the clock,” she scorned. It was too bad because I had already purchased it.
Who’s in control here!
I guess I should have let the events unfold, but I interfered. I guess I should leave decorating to someone more knowledgeable.
But, the cuckoo clock came while she was out of town visiting our daughter, and I assembled it and placed it on the wall between our fabulous TV and ornate stand and her white angel curio in the corner. Can’t wait for her to see it when she returns. Or, maybe I should just return it, huh? I happen to like it.
Almost everyone has at least one situation or relationship in which they try to exert control. This often happens because someone’s behavior makes us uncomfortable. We may feel it makes us look bad, or it embarrasses us.
Controlling behavior generally goes hand in hand with an unwillingness to be direct about what you want, as well as an inability to let go and let people live their own lives. If you are the one that is controlling, it’s probably because you literally feel as if you are out of control and it scares you.
Try to pick one thing you could just let unfold without any control on your part. Examine how it made you feel both before and after, and examine why you wanted to control the situation.
It is hard sometimes to allow others to be who they are, especially if we feel we know what’s best for them and we see them making choices we wouldn’t make.
For instance, we had a student on our special needs school bus bring a can of hair spray with him to school. I noticed it when he pulled it from his jacket pocket. I wondered what he was doing with it; knowing he could be in trouble.
Not only did he bring the can of hair spray on the bus but a cigarette lighter to boot. We all know that the stuff hair spray is made of doesn’t mix with fire, and when he lit the cigarette lighter and I saw it, I immediately stopped the bus. After all, I am in control of what goes on inside the bus.
Needless to say, the boy got into big time trouble when he got to school as administrators began questioning him about his intentions. He was suspended. That type of control comes with the territory when we see bad choices taking place.
However, if we are to be respectful and truly loving, we have to let people go, trusting that they will find their own way in their own time and understanding that it is their life to live.
But, when a dangerous situation exists where other people can be hurt, injured or killed, that’s when you need to exert control.
There is positive control and negative control.
Just reminding yourself that the only life you have to live is your own is the first step to letting go.
John W. Cargile, Msc.D, D.D. is a licensed pastoral psychology counselor. He is a member of the National Educational Association and Alabama Educational Association. He is the author of a new novel, The Cry of the Cuckoos www.thecryofthecuckoos.com You can contact him at jwcargile@charter.net. All conversations are confidential.
In some ways, exerting control is an important survival skill. For example, we have every right to be in control of our own bodies and our own lives. Taking control in these cases is empowering and necessary.
Controlling behavior in the negative sense comes from a tendency to reach beyond our own boundaries and into the lives of others. Many people do this with the rationalization that they are helping. This can happen with parents who are still trying to force their grown children into behaving in ways that they find acceptable.
Our son left home, got married, divorced and now lives back home with us. As parents we expect him to behave in ways we find acceptable.
But trying to control a grown man almost 24 is about like a plumber trying to fix an electrical problem. It just doesn’t work because he has his own set rules of behavior and the generation gap is too great.
He’s a hard worker and we hope he saves money so he can move out on his own again and be able to get on with the life processes. He hasn’t saved a dime that we know of, unless he has some stash kept that we don’t know about.
Control. Yuk…It’s impossible.
It can also happen when people try to control their partners’ behavior. If you have control issues, you will see that in one or more areas of your life, you feel the need to interfere with what is happening rather than just allowing events to unfold.
I sent my wife out on a spending expedition. Our 18-year-old TV blew up. I knew she would find the exact TV for us. She came home with one of the most expensive TV’s on the market.
Next, we had to have a stand. She went back out again and bought the most ornate and expensive stand. “It matches our den furniture.” And, I agreed. So now we have a great looking 52-inch plasma with high definition and a stand to match the décor of our den.
But, I want in on the decorating, I told myself.
I found this unique “Gone With the Wind,” white cuckoo clock, a collector’s item online. I showed her a picture of it and she stomped off and told me that wasn’t what she had in mind. It didn’t match our furniture. The clock has a picture of Scarlett on the lawn with Tara in the background and a figurine of Rhett carrying Scarlett up the stairs at Tara.
I told her it was a collector’s item, but that was no consolation.
“It’s white and matches your curio of white angels’ caricatures,” I reminded her. “I’ve already picked out the clock,” she scorned. It was too bad because I had already purchased it.
Who’s in control here!
I guess I should have let the events unfold, but I interfered. I guess I should leave decorating to someone more knowledgeable.
But, the cuckoo clock came while she was out of town visiting our daughter, and I assembled it and placed it on the wall between our fabulous TV and ornate stand and her white angel curio in the corner. Can’t wait for her to see it when she returns. Or, maybe I should just return it, huh? I happen to like it.
Almost everyone has at least one situation or relationship in which they try to exert control. This often happens because someone’s behavior makes us uncomfortable. We may feel it makes us look bad, or it embarrasses us.
Controlling behavior generally goes hand in hand with an unwillingness to be direct about what you want, as well as an inability to let go and let people live their own lives. If you are the one that is controlling, it’s probably because you literally feel as if you are out of control and it scares you.
Try to pick one thing you could just let unfold without any control on your part. Examine how it made you feel both before and after, and examine why you wanted to control the situation.
It is hard sometimes to allow others to be who they are, especially if we feel we know what’s best for them and we see them making choices we wouldn’t make.
For instance, we had a student on our special needs school bus bring a can of hair spray with him to school. I noticed it when he pulled it from his jacket pocket. I wondered what he was doing with it; knowing he could be in trouble.
Not only did he bring the can of hair spray on the bus but a cigarette lighter to boot. We all know that the stuff hair spray is made of doesn’t mix with fire, and when he lit the cigarette lighter and I saw it, I immediately stopped the bus. After all, I am in control of what goes on inside the bus.
Needless to say, the boy got into big time trouble when he got to school as administrators began questioning him about his intentions. He was suspended. That type of control comes with the territory when we see bad choices taking place.
However, if we are to be respectful and truly loving, we have to let people go, trusting that they will find their own way in their own time and understanding that it is their life to live.
But, when a dangerous situation exists where other people can be hurt, injured or killed, that’s when you need to exert control.
There is positive control and negative control.
Just reminding yourself that the only life you have to live is your own is the first step to letting go.
John W. Cargile, Msc.D, D.D. is a licensed pastoral psychology counselor. He is a member of the National Educational Association and Alabama Educational Association. He is the author of a new novel, The Cry of the Cuckoos www.thecryofthecuckoos.com You can contact him at jwcargile@charter.net. All conversations are confidential.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
An Interview By Karina Fabian
Interview with Author
1) Why did I write the book? My late mother, whom the book is dedicated to, and I were working on a historical fiction novel involving her and my father. She gave up custody of me when I was 1 1/2 years old. My father raised me. I saw her only in the summers. After she died, I felt compelled to write a mystery novel. The similarities in my novel somewhat characterize part of the book's mystery. It was not meant to be a mystery until after she died.
2) What was my favorite part? The main character in the book finally unites with his mother for the first time. She is a suspect in his father's murder. This is 61 years later when they meet one another. The first eye-to-eye meeting between the two was awesome.
3) What was the hardest part to write? My father was nothing like the one in the book. He was the exact opposite. It was actually hard because it felt like I was writing about my father and lying about him. I could go into that a little deeper in an lengthy interview, but you would have to read the book first.
4) What do you hope people will get from this? The theme of the book is deceit and foregiveness. No matter what someone else has done to you, you have to be able to forgive, turn the other cheek.
5) What is next for me? I am writing a sequel. The main character is wealthy, getting over a brain stroke. He becomes a New Age writer. The main character will follow his son and new daughter-in-law as they journey into a flawed relationship. His daughter-in-law is actually a half-cousin and the couple have a retarded son. It puts pressure on their marriage, but father is there, and Father Knows Best.
1) Why did I write the book? My late mother, whom the book is dedicated to, and I were working on a historical fiction novel involving her and my father. She gave up custody of me when I was 1 1/2 years old. My father raised me. I saw her only in the summers. After she died, I felt compelled to write a mystery novel. The similarities in my novel somewhat characterize part of the book's mystery. It was not meant to be a mystery until after she died.
2) What was my favorite part? The main character in the book finally unites with his mother for the first time. She is a suspect in his father's murder. This is 61 years later when they meet one another. The first eye-to-eye meeting between the two was awesome.
3) What was the hardest part to write? My father was nothing like the one in the book. He was the exact opposite. It was actually hard because it felt like I was writing about my father and lying about him. I could go into that a little deeper in an lengthy interview, but you would have to read the book first.
4) What do you hope people will get from this? The theme of the book is deceit and foregiveness. No matter what someone else has done to you, you have to be able to forgive, turn the other cheek.
5) What is next for me? I am writing a sequel. The main character is wealthy, getting over a brain stroke. He becomes a New Age writer. The main character will follow his son and new daughter-in-law as they journey into a flawed relationship. His daughter-in-law is actually a half-cousin and the couple have a retarded son. It puts pressure on their marriage, but father is there, and Father Knows Best.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
We must be more conscious of the language we use
There are many troubling phrases in our language that we use without considering their full meaning simply because they have been accepted into common knowledge.
Just the other day a young boy who rides our special needs school bus with some “mentally challenged” students aboard used the word “retard” when talking with another student. I quickly admonished him from using the word “retard.” It no longer is a word parents, teachers and kids want to hear these days.
Although Forrest Gump, the character created by Alabama author, Winston Groom, was never called a “retard” on the school bus or when he grew older, people could not bring themselves to call him “mentally challenged.” Most people, including Sergeant Dan thought of Forrest as a “retard.”
Even as our ideals progress, our language maintains some phrases from our past that no longer serve us, for example: Boys don't cry; good child; boys will be boys; problem child; illegitimate child; and many more. While these phrases may be used without harmful intent, they are inherently negative.
Children can be especially sensitive to such phrases, which may stay with them their whole lives, adversely affecting their self-image and wounding their self-esteem. We can create positive change by choosing not to use these words and phrases as we come across them in our vocabulary.
It is challenging to examine our habits in terms of the words we use to express ourselves, but it is also exciting.
Language is an area where we can exercise our free will, creating positive change in the world around us by simply choosing carefully the words we use. It may seem like a small thing, but our words have a rippling effect, like a stone thrown in a pond.
People naturally pick up on the way other people speak, consciously or unconsciously changing the way they speak in response.
We don't need to actively try to influence people; it happens without our even thinking about it. All we have to do is choose to be more conscious ourselves, putting to rest words and phrases that are outmoded, insensitive, or harmful. We can also exercise our creativity by creating new phrases that carry positive and loving energy to replace the old ones.
You may already have some ideas about phrases you'd like to transition out of your language, and now that you're thinking about it you may come across many more. As you consciously decide not to use these phrases, you may feel lighter and more joyful, knowing that you have chosen to drop baggage that was handed down to you from a less conscious time. As you do so, you elevate the language for future generations who would no doubt thank you if they could.
Words carry energy and this gives language its power and its potential to heal or hurt. Most of us can remember a time that someone sent a word our way, and it stuck with us. It may have been the first time we received a truly accurate compliment, or the time a friend or sibling called us a name, but either way it stuck. This experience reminds us that what we say has weight and power and that being conscious means being aware of how we use words.
The more conscious we become, the more we deepen our relationship to the words we use so that we speak from a place of actually feeling what we are saying. We begin to recognize that words are not abstract, disconnected entities used only to convey meaning; they are powerful transmitters of feeling.
For the next few days, you might want to practice noticing how the words you say and hear affect your body and your emotional state. Notice how the different communication styles of the people in your life make you feel. Also, watch closely to see how your own words come out and what affect they have on the people around you.
You may notice that when we speak quickly, without thinking, or rush to get our ideas across, our words don't carry the same power as when we speak slowly and confidently, allowing those receiving our words time and space to take them in.
When we carefully listen to others before we speak, our words have more integrity, and when we take time to center ourselves before speaking, we truly begin to harness the power of speech. Then our words can be intelligent messengers of healing and light, transmitting deep and positive feelings to those who receive them.
The word failure puts forward a very simplistic way of thinking that allows for only two possibilities: failure or success. Few things in the universe are black and white, yet much of our language reads as if they are.
The word failure signifies a paradigm in which all subtlety is lost. When we regard something we have done, or ourselves, as a failure, we lose our ability to see the truth, which is no doubt considerably more complex. In addition, we hurt ourselves. All you have to do is speak or read the word failure and see how it makes you feel.
Next time you feel like a failure or fear failure, know that you are under the influence of an outmoded way of perceiving the world. When the word failure comes up, it's a call for us to apply a more enlightened consciousness to the matter at hand.
When you are consciously aware of the word and its baggage you will not fall victim to its darkness. In your own use of language, you may choose to stop using the word failure altogether. This might encourage you to articulate more clearly the truth of the situation, opening your mind to subtleties and possibilities the word failure would never have allowed.
John W. Cargile, Msc.D, D.D. is a licensed pastoral psychology counselor. He is a member of the National Educational Association and Alabama Educational Association. He is the author of a new novel, The Cry of the Cuckoos www.thecryofthecuckoos.com You can contact him at jwcargile@charter.net. All conversations are confidential.
Just the other day a young boy who rides our special needs school bus with some “mentally challenged” students aboard used the word “retard” when talking with another student. I quickly admonished him from using the word “retard.” It no longer is a word parents, teachers and kids want to hear these days.
Although Forrest Gump, the character created by Alabama author, Winston Groom, was never called a “retard” on the school bus or when he grew older, people could not bring themselves to call him “mentally challenged.” Most people, including Sergeant Dan thought of Forrest as a “retard.”
Even as our ideals progress, our language maintains some phrases from our past that no longer serve us, for example: Boys don't cry; good child; boys will be boys; problem child; illegitimate child; and many more. While these phrases may be used without harmful intent, they are inherently negative.
Children can be especially sensitive to such phrases, which may stay with them their whole lives, adversely affecting their self-image and wounding their self-esteem. We can create positive change by choosing not to use these words and phrases as we come across them in our vocabulary.
It is challenging to examine our habits in terms of the words we use to express ourselves, but it is also exciting.
Language is an area where we can exercise our free will, creating positive change in the world around us by simply choosing carefully the words we use. It may seem like a small thing, but our words have a rippling effect, like a stone thrown in a pond.
People naturally pick up on the way other people speak, consciously or unconsciously changing the way they speak in response.
We don't need to actively try to influence people; it happens without our even thinking about it. All we have to do is choose to be more conscious ourselves, putting to rest words and phrases that are outmoded, insensitive, or harmful. We can also exercise our creativity by creating new phrases that carry positive and loving energy to replace the old ones.
You may already have some ideas about phrases you'd like to transition out of your language, and now that you're thinking about it you may come across many more. As you consciously decide not to use these phrases, you may feel lighter and more joyful, knowing that you have chosen to drop baggage that was handed down to you from a less conscious time. As you do so, you elevate the language for future generations who would no doubt thank you if they could.
Words carry energy and this gives language its power and its potential to heal or hurt. Most of us can remember a time that someone sent a word our way, and it stuck with us. It may have been the first time we received a truly accurate compliment, or the time a friend or sibling called us a name, but either way it stuck. This experience reminds us that what we say has weight and power and that being conscious means being aware of how we use words.
The more conscious we become, the more we deepen our relationship to the words we use so that we speak from a place of actually feeling what we are saying. We begin to recognize that words are not abstract, disconnected entities used only to convey meaning; they are powerful transmitters of feeling.
For the next few days, you might want to practice noticing how the words you say and hear affect your body and your emotional state. Notice how the different communication styles of the people in your life make you feel. Also, watch closely to see how your own words come out and what affect they have on the people around you.
You may notice that when we speak quickly, without thinking, or rush to get our ideas across, our words don't carry the same power as when we speak slowly and confidently, allowing those receiving our words time and space to take them in.
When we carefully listen to others before we speak, our words have more integrity, and when we take time to center ourselves before speaking, we truly begin to harness the power of speech. Then our words can be intelligent messengers of healing and light, transmitting deep and positive feelings to those who receive them.
The word failure puts forward a very simplistic way of thinking that allows for only two possibilities: failure or success. Few things in the universe are black and white, yet much of our language reads as if they are.
The word failure signifies a paradigm in which all subtlety is lost. When we regard something we have done, or ourselves, as a failure, we lose our ability to see the truth, which is no doubt considerably more complex. In addition, we hurt ourselves. All you have to do is speak or read the word failure and see how it makes you feel.
Next time you feel like a failure or fear failure, know that you are under the influence of an outmoded way of perceiving the world. When the word failure comes up, it's a call for us to apply a more enlightened consciousness to the matter at hand.
When you are consciously aware of the word and its baggage you will not fall victim to its darkness. In your own use of language, you may choose to stop using the word failure altogether. This might encourage you to articulate more clearly the truth of the situation, opening your mind to subtleties and possibilities the word failure would never have allowed.
John W. Cargile, Msc.D, D.D. is a licensed pastoral psychology counselor. He is a member of the National Educational Association and Alabama Educational Association. He is the author of a new novel, The Cry of the Cuckoos www.thecryofthecuckoos.com You can contact him at jwcargile@charter.net. All conversations are confidential.
Friday, May 8, 2009
An Inerview with Chris Redding
1. When did you know you wanted to be a writer?
When I enrolled at Kilgore College in 1963, I was asked what I would like to major in. I didn’t have a clue. I decided at that point I wanted to study journalism. The school had a good journalism department. While attending Kilgore, which is one of the settings in my book, The Cry of the Cuckoos, I free lanced with the Longview Morning Journal. When I saw my first byline, I was hooked and I’ve never looked back. After 40 years as a newspaper writer/editor, magazine writer/editor and book producer it’s been a rewarding career. When I was but 10 years-old, however, I wrote a short story about a dog named “Rinny.” I wish I still had the little notebook that I wrote it in.
2. How did you pick the genre you write in? The mystery genre actually picked me. I started with an historical romance novel titled, “Decoration Day.” The setting was World War Two, and the main characters were a soldier and female civilian who met in west Texas. It was based on my father and mother actually. When my mother died in 2007, the book took on a life of its own. I decided to scrap the historical romance novel for the time being and concentrate on a commercial novel which I thought would appeal to a wider audience. Some of the material gathered from “Decoration Day” seeped into “The Cry of the Cuckoos.”
3. What drew you to the subject of (The Cry of the Cuckoos)? I was toying around with titles, and I ran across a YouTube video that had the sound of the cuckoo bird in someone’s yard. I researched the cuckoo bird and found that it likes to fool other species in its race to imitate their chirping cry. The cuckoo bird is deceptive in the fact that it will fly into another nest and fool the rests that it is one of them. The Society of Southron Patriots, a radical right wing supremacist organization, became my platform in this mystery novel. The society was like the cuckoo bird in its deception. It is more than a whodunit story, but a story about a son separated from his biological mother for more than 61 years. The cuckoos in this book are more than just The Society of Southron Patriots and, beneath it all reveals the flawed personalities in our culture. The themes in the novel are deception and forgiveness. I hope I am not giving too much away (ha)!
4. What was the name of the first novel you wrote? Did you try to publish it?
Surprisingly, I wrote a novel when I was in my early 20’s. The title was, “Years the Cuckoo Claimed.” It had the same leading character – Henry Drummond. I had read “One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest,” by Ken Kesey and “Siddhartha,” by Herman Hesse. I was really influenced by Hesse at the time. I was attending Samford University in Birmingham, Alabama majoring in religion and philosophy, and Hesse caught my attention in his writings. I think I did send out several query letters, but each was rejected. So, I gave up on it. I may resurrect it later.
5. Why did you pick the publisher that ultimately published your book? I had a literary agent at the time, and she suggested I look into a new company called AEG Publishing Group. They had several plans and I submitted my manuscript. They also have a group Eloquent Books, which is a Print On Demand publisher. After reading over the contract, I decided this was the best plan for me. I wanted to be in control of my own destiny instead of being controlled by big interest from a traditional publisher. It’s not exactly self-publishing, because you share 50-50 in the royalties and the printing. It’s a tough road, but in my book experience as a book producer and a sales manager with Bantam Books at one time, I felt I made the right decision. I don’t regret the decision at all. I checked with other writers using their service and they were happy with their decisions, too.
6. Describe your book
I think I will let Richard Blake of Reader Views describe my book. I think he analyzed it better than most:
"The Cry of the Cuckoos" is the story of a son separated from his biological mother for over sixty years. They were reunited for the first time after she becomes a suspect in the murder of his father. Donald Drummond, the main character, is a retired news reporter. Award-winning writer John Wayne Cargile incorporates similarities from his own life in this novel of romance, murder, and intrigue. Henry Drummond, Donald's father, was the leader of a rightwing supremacist group called the Society of Southron Patriots, whose goal was deception. It was also rumored that he had Mafia connections. After Henry's death, by arsenic poisoning, a terrorist plot aimed at killing Washington diplomats by poisoning the food at the concessions of the Super Bowl was uncovered. United Nations delegates were a target of this conspiracy. Donald and his wife Anne were recruited by the FBI to work undercover as informants to help untangle the web of deception surrounding his father's death. A fast-moving, complex plot took the couple from Alabama to Texas where they encountered another murder with surprise twists and turns along the way. Cargile carefully puts in place background details which provide interesting technical and medical information. His training in religion, psychology, and philosophy, as well as his strong interest in integral psychology and spirituality, are apparent throughout John's writing. "The Cry of the Cuckoos" becomes a platform for him to help people integrate their mind, body and Spirit into a Holistic lifestyle. Cargile's character development reflects his understanding of flawed personalities. His narrative provides a related analysis of their symptoms, motivations, and resulting actions. The strength of character of the genuine religious or spiritual person is contrasted with the lip service and lifestyle of deception in those motivated by selfishness and greed. These characters become colorful composites, expressions of idealism, reality, and deception. I was quickly drawn into the story of "The Cry of the Cuckoos" and the theme of deceit and forgiveness. Cargile's writing style is crisp, direct, and engaging. While I found this directness appealing, it may be seen as too simplistic for others. Transitions of locale or time-frame and the pacing of conflict and resolution confronted by the protagonists were well-paced, maintaining the suspense element of the story. I felt the story ended quite quickly, somewhat abruptly; however, an "afterward" wrapped up all the loose ends and gave closure to unanswered questions. The final chapters create the possibility of a sequel. "The Cry of the Cuckoos" by John Wayne Cargile will appeal to readers who enjoy mystery, intrigue, and romance. Cargile's writing is thoroughly entertaining and highly informative.
Tell me one thing about yourself that very few people know? I think I was a writer in a previous life, and I was sent here to complete what the previous writer did not finish. His name was Thomas Carlyle and he was a Scottish philosopher and writer. I was reading some of his works one night and something flew all over me about his writing. It felt to me these were words I had been flirting with for some time was my own. He was a satirical writer, historian and essayist raised by Calvinist parents during the Victorian era. He was expected to become a preacher, but while at he University of Edinburgh he lost his Christian faith. Calvinist values, however, remained with him the rest of his life.
What do you consider your strengths in terms of your writing?
Dialogue. Being a news reporter and magazine writer for years I loved to write people stories. When interviewing a person for an article I was able to ask the right questions, kind of get into their head, and was able to pull things from them no other person might know. When they began to tell their story, the dialogue flowed and essentially the story was written by me, but told by them using dialogue. You’ll see a lot of dialogue in The Cry of the Cuckoos. The characters are writing the book through dialogue.
What place that you haven’t visited would you like to go? Perth, Scotland. The sequel to my book is tentatively titled, “Mary, Mary Quite Contrary.” This is after the famous British nursery rhyme. Research shows that the innocent little nursery rhyme is not quite what people think it was. The Mary in the nursery rhyme was Mary Tudor. Her husband, one of the British Kings, wrote the little verse after she could not give him children. It actually has been interpreted by some people as a little racy. The character in my sequel appeared near the end of The Cry of the Cuckoos. Her name is Mary Kate O’Quinn. The beginning of the sequel has Mary Kate visiting Scotland with her new husband. They are on their honeymoon. You’ll also notice on most of my websites the Scottish plaid. I am actually wearing a kilt no one can see. Our family roots trace back to Perth, Scotland, and there is a little parish called Cargill in near Perth.
What is your favorite words?
Amazing Grace. When you hear this song played with bagpipes you get a sensation that is indescribable. It’s an old gospel hymn, something I grew up with. In Church, when the choir sang Amazing Grace, it gave me goose bumps. We are truly here by the Amazing Grace of God’s creation.
When I enrolled at Kilgore College in 1963, I was asked what I would like to major in. I didn’t have a clue. I decided at that point I wanted to study journalism. The school had a good journalism department. While attending Kilgore, which is one of the settings in my book, The Cry of the Cuckoos, I free lanced with the Longview Morning Journal. When I saw my first byline, I was hooked and I’ve never looked back. After 40 years as a newspaper writer/editor, magazine writer/editor and book producer it’s been a rewarding career. When I was but 10 years-old, however, I wrote a short story about a dog named “Rinny.” I wish I still had the little notebook that I wrote it in.
2. How did you pick the genre you write in? The mystery genre actually picked me. I started with an historical romance novel titled, “Decoration Day.” The setting was World War Two, and the main characters were a soldier and female civilian who met in west Texas. It was based on my father and mother actually. When my mother died in 2007, the book took on a life of its own. I decided to scrap the historical romance novel for the time being and concentrate on a commercial novel which I thought would appeal to a wider audience. Some of the material gathered from “Decoration Day” seeped into “The Cry of the Cuckoos.”
3. What drew you to the subject of (The Cry of the Cuckoos)? I was toying around with titles, and I ran across a YouTube video that had the sound of the cuckoo bird in someone’s yard. I researched the cuckoo bird and found that it likes to fool other species in its race to imitate their chirping cry. The cuckoo bird is deceptive in the fact that it will fly into another nest and fool the rests that it is one of them. The Society of Southron Patriots, a radical right wing supremacist organization, became my platform in this mystery novel. The society was like the cuckoo bird in its deception. It is more than a whodunit story, but a story about a son separated from his biological mother for more than 61 years. The cuckoos in this book are more than just The Society of Southron Patriots and, beneath it all reveals the flawed personalities in our culture. The themes in the novel are deception and forgiveness. I hope I am not giving too much away (ha)!
4. What was the name of the first novel you wrote? Did you try to publish it?
Surprisingly, I wrote a novel when I was in my early 20’s. The title was, “Years the Cuckoo Claimed.” It had the same leading character – Henry Drummond. I had read “One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest,” by Ken Kesey and “Siddhartha,” by Herman Hesse. I was really influenced by Hesse at the time. I was attending Samford University in Birmingham, Alabama majoring in religion and philosophy, and Hesse caught my attention in his writings. I think I did send out several query letters, but each was rejected. So, I gave up on it. I may resurrect it later.
5. Why did you pick the publisher that ultimately published your book? I had a literary agent at the time, and she suggested I look into a new company called AEG Publishing Group. They had several plans and I submitted my manuscript. They also have a group Eloquent Books, which is a Print On Demand publisher. After reading over the contract, I decided this was the best plan for me. I wanted to be in control of my own destiny instead of being controlled by big interest from a traditional publisher. It’s not exactly self-publishing, because you share 50-50 in the royalties and the printing. It’s a tough road, but in my book experience as a book producer and a sales manager with Bantam Books at one time, I felt I made the right decision. I don’t regret the decision at all. I checked with other writers using their service and they were happy with their decisions, too.
6. Describe your book
I think I will let Richard Blake of Reader Views describe my book. I think he analyzed it better than most:
"The Cry of the Cuckoos" is the story of a son separated from his biological mother for over sixty years. They were reunited for the first time after she becomes a suspect in the murder of his father. Donald Drummond, the main character, is a retired news reporter. Award-winning writer John Wayne Cargile incorporates similarities from his own life in this novel of romance, murder, and intrigue. Henry Drummond, Donald's father, was the leader of a rightwing supremacist group called the Society of Southron Patriots, whose goal was deception. It was also rumored that he had Mafia connections. After Henry's death, by arsenic poisoning, a terrorist plot aimed at killing Washington diplomats by poisoning the food at the concessions of the Super Bowl was uncovered. United Nations delegates were a target of this conspiracy. Donald and his wife Anne were recruited by the FBI to work undercover as informants to help untangle the web of deception surrounding his father's death. A fast-moving, complex plot took the couple from Alabama to Texas where they encountered another murder with surprise twists and turns along the way. Cargile carefully puts in place background details which provide interesting technical and medical information. His training in religion, psychology, and philosophy, as well as his strong interest in integral psychology and spirituality, are apparent throughout John's writing. "The Cry of the Cuckoos" becomes a platform for him to help people integrate their mind, body and Spirit into a Holistic lifestyle. Cargile's character development reflects his understanding of flawed personalities. His narrative provides a related analysis of their symptoms, motivations, and resulting actions. The strength of character of the genuine religious or spiritual person is contrasted with the lip service and lifestyle of deception in those motivated by selfishness and greed. These characters become colorful composites, expressions of idealism, reality, and deception. I was quickly drawn into the story of "The Cry of the Cuckoos" and the theme of deceit and forgiveness. Cargile's writing style is crisp, direct, and engaging. While I found this directness appealing, it may be seen as too simplistic for others. Transitions of locale or time-frame and the pacing of conflict and resolution confronted by the protagonists were well-paced, maintaining the suspense element of the story. I felt the story ended quite quickly, somewhat abruptly; however, an "afterward" wrapped up all the loose ends and gave closure to unanswered questions. The final chapters create the possibility of a sequel. "The Cry of the Cuckoos" by John Wayne Cargile will appeal to readers who enjoy mystery, intrigue, and romance. Cargile's writing is thoroughly entertaining and highly informative.
Tell me one thing about yourself that very few people know? I think I was a writer in a previous life, and I was sent here to complete what the previous writer did not finish. His name was Thomas Carlyle and he was a Scottish philosopher and writer. I was reading some of his works one night and something flew all over me about his writing. It felt to me these were words I had been flirting with for some time was my own. He was a satirical writer, historian and essayist raised by Calvinist parents during the Victorian era. He was expected to become a preacher, but while at he University of Edinburgh he lost his Christian faith. Calvinist values, however, remained with him the rest of his life.
What do you consider your strengths in terms of your writing?
Dialogue. Being a news reporter and magazine writer for years I loved to write people stories. When interviewing a person for an article I was able to ask the right questions, kind of get into their head, and was able to pull things from them no other person might know. When they began to tell their story, the dialogue flowed and essentially the story was written by me, but told by them using dialogue. You’ll see a lot of dialogue in The Cry of the Cuckoos. The characters are writing the book through dialogue.
What place that you haven’t visited would you like to go? Perth, Scotland. The sequel to my book is tentatively titled, “Mary, Mary Quite Contrary.” This is after the famous British nursery rhyme. Research shows that the innocent little nursery rhyme is not quite what people think it was. The Mary in the nursery rhyme was Mary Tudor. Her husband, one of the British Kings, wrote the little verse after she could not give him children. It actually has been interpreted by some people as a little racy. The character in my sequel appeared near the end of The Cry of the Cuckoos. Her name is Mary Kate O’Quinn. The beginning of the sequel has Mary Kate visiting Scotland with her new husband. They are on their honeymoon. You’ll also notice on most of my websites the Scottish plaid. I am actually wearing a kilt no one can see. Our family roots trace back to Perth, Scotland, and there is a little parish called Cargill in near Perth.
What is your favorite words?
Amazing Grace. When you hear this song played with bagpipes you get a sensation that is indescribable. It’s an old gospel hymn, something I grew up with. In Church, when the choir sang Amazing Grace, it gave me goose bumps. We are truly here by the Amazing Grace of God’s creation.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
A wild, wild week and a feeling for some downtime
Wow! What a wild week for me.
A long-time high school friend with whom I lost contact with became a bit irritated with me for emailing her information about my new novel. She berated me and questioned my authenticity on Facebook.
Once I straightened her out on my background, which she held no clue; she apologized and now we are friends again. It was upsetting to see a friend attack me like she did.
I guess that goes with the territory when you, at last, accomplish something you never dreamed about.
For me, that was writing a novel, The Cry of the Cuckoos, a daunting task, and even more so now the book is published and the marketing and PR work begins. The Northport Gazette will be hosting a book signing Thursday night at Art Night from 6 p.m. – till. I hope you will drop by and see me as well as other accomplished writers, musicians and artist.
It got me to thinking about accomplishing goals.
The elation we feel when we have learned an important lesson, achieved a goal, or had a big breakthrough can sometimes be met with a period of downtime afterward.
During this period of transition, we may feel unsure and not know where to turn next. Many people, during the pause between achievements, begin to wonder what their life is about. These feelings are common and strike everyone from time to time.
Human beings are active creatures - we feel best when we are working on a project or vigorously pursuing a goal. But there is nothing inherently wrong with spending a day, a week, or even a month simply existing and not having a plan. Just be. It won’t be long before you embark upon your next voyage of growth and discovery.
The quiet lull into we which we fall between ideas, projects, and goals can make life seem empty. After accomplishing one objective, you may want to move immediately on to the next. However, when your next step is unclear, you may feel frustrated, disconnected, or even a mild depression.
You may even perceive your lack of forward momentum as an indicator of imminent stagnation. To calm these distressing thoughts, try to accept that if your intent is personal growth. You will continue to grow as an individual whether striving for a specific objective or not.
Spending time immersed in life’s rigors and pleasures can be a cathartic experience that gives you the time you need to think about what you have recently gone through and leisurely contemplate what you wish to do next. You may also find that in simply being and going through the motions of everyday life, you reconnect with your priorities in a very organic, unforced way.
The mindful transitional pause can take many forms. For some, it can be a period of reflection that helps them understand how their life has unfolded. For others, it can be a period of adjustment, where new values based on recent changes are integrated into daily life.
Just because you’re not headed swiftly to a final destination doesn’t mean you should assume that you have lost your drive. The stage between journeys can become a wonderful period of relaxation that prepares you for the path that will soon be revealed to you.
Our perception of the traits and characteristics that make us who we are is often tightly intertwined with how we live our life.
We define ourselves in terms of the roles we adopt, our actions and inactions, our triumphs, and what we think are failures. As a result it is easy to identify so strongly with a decision that has resulted in unexpected negative consequences that we actually become that "wrong" decision. The disappointment and shame we feel when we make what we perceive as a mistake grows until it becomes a dominant part of our identities.
We rationalize our "poor" decisions by labeling ourselves incompetent decision-makers. However, your true identity cannot be defined by your choices. Your essence-what makes you a unique entity-exists independently of your decision-making process.
There are no true right or wrong decisions. All decisions contribute to your development and are an integral part of your evolving existence yet they are still separate from the self. A decision that does not result in its intended outcome is in no way an illustration of character.
Still, it can have dire effects on our ability to trust ourselves and our self-esteem. You can avoid becoming your decisions by affirming that a "bad decision" was just an experience, and next time you can choose differently. Try to avoid lingering in the past and mulling over the circumstances that led to your perceived error in judgment.
Instead, adapt to the new circumstances you must face by considering how you can use your intelligence, inner strength, and intuition to aid you in moving forward more mindfully. Try not to entirely avoid thinking about the choices you have made, but reflect on the consequences of your decision from a rational rather than an emotional standpoint. Strive to understand why you made the choice you did, forgive yourself, and then move forward.
A perceived mistake becomes a valuable learning experience and is, in essence, a gift to learn and grow from. You are not a bad person and you are not your decisions; you are simply human.
John W. Cargile, Msc.D, D.D. is a licensed pastoral psychology counselor. He is a member of the National Educational Association and Alabama Educational Association. He is the author of a new novel, The Cry of the Cuckoos www.thecryofthecuckoos.com You can contact him at jwcargile@charter.net. All conversations are confidential.
A long-time high school friend with whom I lost contact with became a bit irritated with me for emailing her information about my new novel. She berated me and questioned my authenticity on Facebook.
Once I straightened her out on my background, which she held no clue; she apologized and now we are friends again. It was upsetting to see a friend attack me like she did.
I guess that goes with the territory when you, at last, accomplish something you never dreamed about.
For me, that was writing a novel, The Cry of the Cuckoos, a daunting task, and even more so now the book is published and the marketing and PR work begins. The Northport Gazette will be hosting a book signing Thursday night at Art Night from 6 p.m. – till. I hope you will drop by and see me as well as other accomplished writers, musicians and artist.
It got me to thinking about accomplishing goals.
The elation we feel when we have learned an important lesson, achieved a goal, or had a big breakthrough can sometimes be met with a period of downtime afterward.
During this period of transition, we may feel unsure and not know where to turn next. Many people, during the pause between achievements, begin to wonder what their life is about. These feelings are common and strike everyone from time to time.
Human beings are active creatures - we feel best when we are working on a project or vigorously pursuing a goal. But there is nothing inherently wrong with spending a day, a week, or even a month simply existing and not having a plan. Just be. It won’t be long before you embark upon your next voyage of growth and discovery.
The quiet lull into we which we fall between ideas, projects, and goals can make life seem empty. After accomplishing one objective, you may want to move immediately on to the next. However, when your next step is unclear, you may feel frustrated, disconnected, or even a mild depression.
You may even perceive your lack of forward momentum as an indicator of imminent stagnation. To calm these distressing thoughts, try to accept that if your intent is personal growth. You will continue to grow as an individual whether striving for a specific objective or not.
Spending time immersed in life’s rigors and pleasures can be a cathartic experience that gives you the time you need to think about what you have recently gone through and leisurely contemplate what you wish to do next. You may also find that in simply being and going through the motions of everyday life, you reconnect with your priorities in a very organic, unforced way.
The mindful transitional pause can take many forms. For some, it can be a period of reflection that helps them understand how their life has unfolded. For others, it can be a period of adjustment, where new values based on recent changes are integrated into daily life.
Just because you’re not headed swiftly to a final destination doesn’t mean you should assume that you have lost your drive. The stage between journeys can become a wonderful period of relaxation that prepares you for the path that will soon be revealed to you.
Our perception of the traits and characteristics that make us who we are is often tightly intertwined with how we live our life.
We define ourselves in terms of the roles we adopt, our actions and inactions, our triumphs, and what we think are failures. As a result it is easy to identify so strongly with a decision that has resulted in unexpected negative consequences that we actually become that "wrong" decision. The disappointment and shame we feel when we make what we perceive as a mistake grows until it becomes a dominant part of our identities.
We rationalize our "poor" decisions by labeling ourselves incompetent decision-makers. However, your true identity cannot be defined by your choices. Your essence-what makes you a unique entity-exists independently of your decision-making process.
There are no true right or wrong decisions. All decisions contribute to your development and are an integral part of your evolving existence yet they are still separate from the self. A decision that does not result in its intended outcome is in no way an illustration of character.
Still, it can have dire effects on our ability to trust ourselves and our self-esteem. You can avoid becoming your decisions by affirming that a "bad decision" was just an experience, and next time you can choose differently. Try to avoid lingering in the past and mulling over the circumstances that led to your perceived error in judgment.
Instead, adapt to the new circumstances you must face by considering how you can use your intelligence, inner strength, and intuition to aid you in moving forward more mindfully. Try not to entirely avoid thinking about the choices you have made, but reflect on the consequences of your decision from a rational rather than an emotional standpoint. Strive to understand why you made the choice you did, forgive yourself, and then move forward.
A perceived mistake becomes a valuable learning experience and is, in essence, a gift to learn and grow from. You are not a bad person and you are not your decisions; you are simply human.
John W. Cargile, Msc.D, D.D. is a licensed pastoral psychology counselor. He is a member of the National Educational Association and Alabama Educational Association. He is the author of a new novel, The Cry of the Cuckoos www.thecryofthecuckoos.com You can contact him at jwcargile@charter.net. All conversations are confidential.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
An Interview With Geri Ahearn
INTERVIEW
Geri: When did you first realize that you wanted to be a writer?
John: When I was about ten years old, I wrote a story about Rinny,
based on the Rin Tin Tin German Sheperd dog that was
popular in the 1950's.
Geri: What type of books do you enjoy writing?
John: Fiction, and non-fiction!
Geri: Did a special person in your life inspire you to write?
John: Not really! No one in our family were writers. The city editor of The
Birmingham News offered a Creative Writing Class, while I attended
Samford University in Birmingham, Alabama. After I had written a
couple of stories for him, he invited me to work for the newspaper.
Geri: Have you written any books based on a true life story?
John: The Cry Of The Cuckoos, my current novel, comes as close as it can
to drawing out similarities between the main character, and myself.
Geri: Who is your favorite author?
John: Sydney Sheldon
Geri: Are your characters created from people you've known in real life, or
are they from the imagination?
John: Both! I took some family characters, and exploded them into colorful
composites with a lot of flawed characteristics that they didn't actually
have. I had some family members in mind as I built the characters.
When they read excerpts of the book, each of them said, "Is That Me?"
I left them guessing!
Geri: How many books have you written?
John: One, and one eBook, From Mount Olive Road, a collection of my
newspaper columns over the past three years.
Geri: Where can your books be purchased?
John: www.thecryofthecuckoos.com
www.amazon.com
www.barnesandnoble.com
www.booksamillion.com
And Available soon on: Authors Edge
Geri: Describe how you felt the first time you were published?
John: My first newspaper story was published when I was eighteen years
old. I was estatic when I saw my byline on the story. I still get a
buzz when I write a good article for newspapers and magazines,
and see my name as the author. Seeing my book for the first time in
print will be the ultimate for me as this is what I set out to do when
I retired, write novels.
Geri: Do you have any current work in progress?
John: The Cry Of The Cuckoos!
Geri: Do you have goals set for the future?
John: Lots of them! I plan on a sequel to The Cry Of The Cuckoos,
and a script!
Geri: At this point and time in your life, are you exactly where you want
to be?
John: I am exactly where I wanted to be at this juncture in my life. I am
sixty-four years old. When I was young, I dreamed of writing for
newspapers for ten years, magazine writing and editing for ten
years, and publishing for ten years. I owned a printing company,
and produced magazines in the 1980's, now comes the sunset years,
novel writing!
Geri: What can help authors to reach their dream?
John: Never give up! Practice, practice, practice! Don't let critics get in
in your way! Polish your writing, read other works that capture
your imagination. Become your own authentic self as a writer.
Geri: Have you ever experienced writer's block?
John: Oh yes! When it comes, I sit in meditation! I ask the universe to be
my guide. I hold two Doctorates in philosophy and religion, and I
am ironically something between a practicing Christian, and Buddhist.
Prayer and meditation offer me insight when I get writer's block.
Geri: What advice can you give to prevent writer's block?
John: De-clutter the brain! I just recently wrote an article about Taming
The Monkey Mind to De-clutter the brain. We have to free our minds
of all the clutter that goes on inside our brains when we are trying to
be creative, at peace with ourselves.
Geri: As a child, did you have favorite books?
John: I can't remember reading that much as a child. Nothing sticks out
in my mind.
Geri: As a child, did you enjoy reading?
John: No!
Geri: If you had the opportunity to one day live the life of a famous author,
who would it be?
John: I like to think I am my own authentic self, so I don't want to be like
any other writer. I just want to be me. I'm not tied up in knots about
being famous. If someone likes what I write, and it becomes a
best-seller, then that's great! But, I do not set my goals on being
famous.
Geri: Many authors feel a sense of self-satisfaction, a sense of achievement
after publishing a book, can you relate?
John: Yes! If it is not truly vanity! Self-satisfaction is seeing a project through
until the end of the day when you can say to yourself, "Well done!"
Geri: How do you balance occupation with writing?
John: I am mostly retired now, but what keeps me in the community is
driving special needs kids to school each day. Each kid is something
special, even though they have various challenges. I get to spend about
three hours a day with them, and I continously learn from them.
In my sequel to The Cry Of The Cuckoos, there will be a special needs
kid in the book.
Geri: How did you feel at your first book-sgning?
John: I am waiting on my first complementary copy, and copyright copy.
Geri: If you won the lottery tomorrow, what would change?
John: It would allow me to continue to write, without any outside financial
pressures.
Geri: As writers, we begin with a manuscript, and end with promotions.
What was your most difficult task?
John: For some authors, writing is the only thing they know, they leave
marketing up to other people. But I like to market and sell as much
as I like to write. I guess that's because I'm a salesman. I worked at
Bantam Books as regional sales manager in the early 1980's.
Geri: Some writer's need to listen to music, or look at flowers, or the ocean
when writing. Do you have a particular scenery?
John: I listen to new age music when I write. It's soft, and some of it includes
sounds of the ocean, or waterfalls. It's soothing, and I can listen for
hours. It provides tranquility of mind, and goes back to the question
about writer's block, and meditation. My office looks out into the wooded
area on my ten acres of land. We live in a log house. I can sit and watch
the critters of the earth for hours as they scamper around the woods,
Deer especially! I have a redbird and bluebird that perch on a limb nearby
everyday. They fly to my windowsill as if they are wondering what the heck
I am doing watching them. I recently wrote an article about The Redbird
In My Window Sill-A Spirit Guide!
Geri: If you were to publish a book in a different genre, what would it be?
John: I'm unsure! I didn't intend on The Cry Of The Cuckoos to become a
mystery. It just evolved into it. It started out as a historical romance
of a man and a woman during World War Two, and the romance between
the two. But things changed as I continue to write it, and I wanted to be
up tempo, and contemporary. So voila! That's what I got!
Geri: Thank you kindly for your time. Your interview was quite interesting!
John: Your welcome!
Geri: When did you first realize that you wanted to be a writer?
John: When I was about ten years old, I wrote a story about Rinny,
based on the Rin Tin Tin German Sheperd dog that was
popular in the 1950's.
Geri: What type of books do you enjoy writing?
John: Fiction, and non-fiction!
Geri: Did a special person in your life inspire you to write?
John: Not really! No one in our family were writers. The city editor of The
Birmingham News offered a Creative Writing Class, while I attended
Samford University in Birmingham, Alabama. After I had written a
couple of stories for him, he invited me to work for the newspaper.
Geri: Have you written any books based on a true life story?
John: The Cry Of The Cuckoos, my current novel, comes as close as it can
to drawing out similarities between the main character, and myself.
Geri: Who is your favorite author?
John: Sydney Sheldon
Geri: Are your characters created from people you've known in real life, or
are they from the imagination?
John: Both! I took some family characters, and exploded them into colorful
composites with a lot of flawed characteristics that they didn't actually
have. I had some family members in mind as I built the characters.
When they read excerpts of the book, each of them said, "Is That Me?"
I left them guessing!
Geri: How many books have you written?
John: One, and one eBook, From Mount Olive Road, a collection of my
newspaper columns over the past three years.
Geri: Where can your books be purchased?
John: www.thecryofthecuckoos.com
www.amazon.com
www.barnesandnoble.com
www.booksamillion.com
And Available soon on: Authors Edge
Geri: Describe how you felt the first time you were published?
John: My first newspaper story was published when I was eighteen years
old. I was estatic when I saw my byline on the story. I still get a
buzz when I write a good article for newspapers and magazines,
and see my name as the author. Seeing my book for the first time in
print will be the ultimate for me as this is what I set out to do when
I retired, write novels.
Geri: Do you have any current work in progress?
John: The Cry Of The Cuckoos!
Geri: Do you have goals set for the future?
John: Lots of them! I plan on a sequel to The Cry Of The Cuckoos,
and a script!
Geri: At this point and time in your life, are you exactly where you want
to be?
John: I am exactly where I wanted to be at this juncture in my life. I am
sixty-four years old. When I was young, I dreamed of writing for
newspapers for ten years, magazine writing and editing for ten
years, and publishing for ten years. I owned a printing company,
and produced magazines in the 1980's, now comes the sunset years,
novel writing!
Geri: What can help authors to reach their dream?
John: Never give up! Practice, practice, practice! Don't let critics get in
in your way! Polish your writing, read other works that capture
your imagination. Become your own authentic self as a writer.
Geri: Have you ever experienced writer's block?
John: Oh yes! When it comes, I sit in meditation! I ask the universe to be
my guide. I hold two Doctorates in philosophy and religion, and I
am ironically something between a practicing Christian, and Buddhist.
Prayer and meditation offer me insight when I get writer's block.
Geri: What advice can you give to prevent writer's block?
John: De-clutter the brain! I just recently wrote an article about Taming
The Monkey Mind to De-clutter the brain. We have to free our minds
of all the clutter that goes on inside our brains when we are trying to
be creative, at peace with ourselves.
Geri: As a child, did you have favorite books?
John: I can't remember reading that much as a child. Nothing sticks out
in my mind.
Geri: As a child, did you enjoy reading?
John: No!
Geri: If you had the opportunity to one day live the life of a famous author,
who would it be?
John: I like to think I am my own authentic self, so I don't want to be like
any other writer. I just want to be me. I'm not tied up in knots about
being famous. If someone likes what I write, and it becomes a
best-seller, then that's great! But, I do not set my goals on being
famous.
Geri: Many authors feel a sense of self-satisfaction, a sense of achievement
after publishing a book, can you relate?
John: Yes! If it is not truly vanity! Self-satisfaction is seeing a project through
until the end of the day when you can say to yourself, "Well done!"
Geri: How do you balance occupation with writing?
John: I am mostly retired now, but what keeps me in the community is
driving special needs kids to school each day. Each kid is something
special, even though they have various challenges. I get to spend about
three hours a day with them, and I continously learn from them.
In my sequel to The Cry Of The Cuckoos, there will be a special needs
kid in the book.
Geri: How did you feel at your first book-sgning?
John: I am waiting on my first complementary copy, and copyright copy.
Geri: If you won the lottery tomorrow, what would change?
John: It would allow me to continue to write, without any outside financial
pressures.
Geri: As writers, we begin with a manuscript, and end with promotions.
What was your most difficult task?
John: For some authors, writing is the only thing they know, they leave
marketing up to other people. But I like to market and sell as much
as I like to write. I guess that's because I'm a salesman. I worked at
Bantam Books as regional sales manager in the early 1980's.
Geri: Some writer's need to listen to music, or look at flowers, or the ocean
when writing. Do you have a particular scenery?
John: I listen to new age music when I write. It's soft, and some of it includes
sounds of the ocean, or waterfalls. It's soothing, and I can listen for
hours. It provides tranquility of mind, and goes back to the question
about writer's block, and meditation. My office looks out into the wooded
area on my ten acres of land. We live in a log house. I can sit and watch
the critters of the earth for hours as they scamper around the woods,
Deer especially! I have a redbird and bluebird that perch on a limb nearby
everyday. They fly to my windowsill as if they are wondering what the heck
I am doing watching them. I recently wrote an article about The Redbird
In My Window Sill-A Spirit Guide!
Geri: If you were to publish a book in a different genre, what would it be?
John: I'm unsure! I didn't intend on The Cry Of The Cuckoos to become a
mystery. It just evolved into it. It started out as a historical romance
of a man and a woman during World War Two, and the romance between
the two. But things changed as I continue to write it, and I wanted to be
up tempo, and contemporary. So voila! That's what I got!
Geri: Thank you kindly for your time. Your interview was quite interesting!
John: Your welcome!
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