The positive and negative side of control

We all know what it’s like to want to be in control. Everyone knows a control freak. Maybe you are one.
In some ways, exerting control is an important survival skill. For example, we have every right to be in control of our own bodies and our own lives. Taking control in these cases is empowering and necessary.
Controlling behavior in the negative sense comes from a tendency to reach beyond our own boundaries and into the lives of others. Many people do this with the rationalization that they are helping. This can happen with parents who are still trying to force their grown children into behaving in ways that they find acceptable.
Our son left home, got married, divorced and now lives back home with us. As parents we expect him to behave in ways we find acceptable.
But trying to control a grown man almost 24 is about like a plumber trying to fix an electrical problem. It just doesn’t work because he has his own set rules of behavior and the generation gap is too great.
He’s a hard worker and we hope he saves money so he can move out on his own again and be able to get on with the life processes. He hasn’t saved a dime that we know of, unless he has some stash kept that we don’t know about.
Control. Yuk…It’s impossible.
It can also happen when people try to control their partners’ behavior. If you have control issues, you will see that in one or more areas of your life, you feel the need to interfere with what is happening rather than just allowing events to unfold.
I sent my wife out on a spending expedition. Our 18-year-old TV blew up. I knew she would find the exact TV for us. She came home with one of the most expensive TV’s on the market.
Next, we had to have a stand. She went back out again and bought the most ornate and expensive stand. “It matches our den furniture.” And, I agreed. So now we have a great looking 52-inch plasma with high definition and a stand to match the décor of our den.
But, I want in on the decorating, I told myself.
I found this unique “Gone With the Wind,” white cuckoo clock, a collector’s item online. I showed her a picture of it and she stomped off and told me that wasn’t what she had in mind. It didn’t match our furniture. The clock has a picture of Scarlett on the lawn with Tara in the background and a figurine of Rhett carrying Scarlett up the stairs at Tara.
I told her it was a collector’s item, but that was no consolation.
“It’s white and matches your curio of white angels’ caricatures,” I reminded her. “I’ve already picked out the clock,” she scorned. It was too bad because I had already purchased it.
Who’s in control here!
I guess I should have let the events unfold, but I interfered. I guess I should leave decorating to someone more knowledgeable.
But, the cuckoo clock came while she was out of town visiting our daughter, and I assembled it and placed it on the wall between our fabulous TV and ornate stand and her white angel curio in the corner. Can’t wait for her to see it when she returns. Or, maybe I should just return it, huh? I happen to like it.
Almost everyone has at least one situation or relationship in which they try to exert control. This often happens because someone’s behavior makes us uncomfortable. We may feel it makes us look bad, or it embarrasses us.
Controlling behavior generally goes hand in hand with an unwillingness to be direct about what you want, as well as an inability to let go and let people live their own lives. If you are the one that is controlling, it’s probably because you literally feel as if you are out of control and it scares you.
Try to pick one thing you could just let unfold without any control on your part. Examine how it made you feel both before and after, and examine why you wanted to control the situation.
It is hard sometimes to allow others to be who they are, especially if we feel we know what’s best for them and we see them making choices we wouldn’t make.
For instance, we had a student on our special needs school bus bring a can of hair spray with him to school. I noticed it when he pulled it from his jacket pocket. I wondered what he was doing with it; knowing he could be in trouble.
Not only did he bring the can of hair spray on the bus but a cigarette lighter to boot. We all know that the stuff hair spray is made of doesn’t mix with fire, and when he lit the cigarette lighter and I saw it, I immediately stopped the bus. After all, I am in control of what goes on inside the bus.
Needless to say, the boy got into big time trouble when he got to school as administrators began questioning him about his intentions. He was suspended. That type of control comes with the territory when we see bad choices taking place.
However, if we are to be respectful and truly loving, we have to let people go, trusting that they will find their own way in their own time and understanding that it is their life to live.
But, when a dangerous situation exists where other people can be hurt, injured or killed, that’s when you need to exert control.
There is positive control and negative control.
Just reminding yourself that the only life you have to live is your own is the first step to letting go.

John W. Cargile, Msc.D, D.D. is a licensed pastoral psychology counselor. He is a member of the National Educational Association and Alabama Educational Association. He is the author of a new novel, The Cry of the Cuckoos www.thecryofthecuckoos.com You can contact him at jwcargile@charter.net. All conversations are confidential.